You never quite forget

December 19, 2005

“Are you that insecure about your own personality that you turn to these things to give you confirmation?”

Yes.

“You’ve a very fair sense of justice, and you need to learn to forgive yourself. It’s not something you’re in control of.”

Me? Fair sense of justice? Since when?

“Maybe you’re being reminded that you’re only human. We weren’t meant to walk this road alone, you know.”

I know, but it’s hard.

“Have you talked this with Him?”

I don’t want to burden Him with this. I feel guilty for doing so.

“… That’s what He’s there for. How do you think you would feel if you were in His shoes?”

Horrible. But I don’t want to be a burden to anyone! Especially not Him!

I… I don’t want to burden Him with all this. I miss being able to talk to Him. I’m ashamed of my weaknesses. Ashamed to admit that I’m not as capable as I think I am. Most of all, I’m ashamed that I’ve let Him down. There were so many things that I could have done another way, but I chose to do it the wrong way, and so I hold myself accountable for that. Thing is, I don’t know what I could have done to make it right.

I’ve been ashamed to admit all this time that I believe in God. I believe that not only does He exists as my Saviour, but that He’s also my Brother. I’m ashamed to talk to Him after all this time because He’s been so very patient with me, but I feel like I’m sliding away. I miss being in His arms, just rattling away and knowing that here was someone who would not judge me for being human (when I myself couldn’t quite accept it), who was my dearest friend from the time I was no more than a cluster of cells in a warm organ and whom I thought of pledging my life to several times.

Today though, I had a long conversation with Him. I don’t even know what it means, but I hope it’s for the best. I do know that I have a large burden on myself, and maybe I am putting pressure on myself, but isn’t it said:

To whom much is given, much is expected. To whom much more is given, much more is expected.Luke 12:48

I just hope I’m up to the task.

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One Response to “You never quite forget”

  1. Sol said

    It is difficult to admit our presumed weaknesses even to ourselves, let alone others. It takes courage & understanding.

    I think a relationship with Deity can be a fulfilling experience. Just open urself up to new possibilities. Oh yeah, and I read once that organized religion was created to protect poeple from a direct relationship with Deity.

    Go figure.

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