Tears

June 29, 2006

Great… Other girls get period cramps. I get moodswings. Guess which one’s more damaging?

Edit: No, it’s not my period yet. It’s the one before.

Wife of edit: Because of the above, please ignore this post. I may rant things that I don’t really mean. As in my words are calculated to hurt. Because it just does.

I hate this part of the month. The time that makes me want to run desperately to him, to say that I’m sorry for the things I’ve done, to take me back, to please… I want you back, will you have me?

The time of the month that gives me faster moodswings than you can blink. The time of the month that makes me depressed, lazy to do anything, and wishing I could just curl up into a ball and either die, or cry my heart out.

The time of the month that makes me feel both powerful, confident, and yet like a slut at the same time. The time of the month that I both hate and love, because on one hand it shows that I’m normal. On the other, it makes me feel so sad and pathetic.

I hate how he can wound me with just a few careless, thoughtless words. And then go around crying about ME doing the same to him. I hate that I CAN be wounded by these words in the first place. I hate that by being selfish and wanting to do things for myself can make me feel so guilty.

I hate that how just one rightly placed word/song/phrase can send me into tears (not in public though. Only in my room). I just feel angry, sad and pathetic.

Most of all, I hate myself for loving him. For the man he can be. For the man that he was. And yes, God help me, for the coward that he is.

You say you didn’t deserve to be speculated on. You didn’t deserve to be called a liar.

Here’s my response:

I didn’t deserve to be treated like a toy. I didn’t deserve to be lied to. I didn’t deserve to be told that I’m loved, but you weren’t sure how deep the love was. I didn’t deserve to be broken simply because you weren’t sure how much I loved you.

I didn’t deserve this.

BUT I CAN STILL WRITE.

That has to count for something, no?

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