Old lady by the sea

May 22, 2007

This started as an outline and became a poem. Oi enough with the angst already you guys up there!

Old lady by the sea

Remembering her youth

How she ran away from everything, in a fit, a moment of despair, desperation

Living alone, she knew the price she had to pay, but she wanted to be alone

She craved the touch of a human person, but never did. She never let anyone close to her, didn’t want anyone love her

Did she think herself unworthy of love? Perhaps so

Did she want to be loved? Yes and she knew this

But at the same time, she felt ashamed

Shameful for the way she treated the man she loved, and the one who loved her

Shamed for the fact that he was nothing but kind to her, even though they had their ups and downs

Shameful for not being able to wait before he came for her. Before she could pluck up the courage take him away

Angry at herself for being so foolish, so weak.

Angry at not trusting him. Angry at trusting herself.

Two extremes. Two painful emotions

From boundless joy to dark despair

From confidence to helplessness

Watching something you liked die

Angry at losing her temper at him

Angry at the tears that stung the eyes, knowing that to let them fall, or worse, be seen by him, would be miscontrued.

She didn’t want him to worry, she never did.

She didn’t like being helpless, didn’t like NOT being in control.

She wanted to blame someone for her current state, but she knew she was the one responsible for the monster she had become.

She pushed everyone away, yet struggled to hold them close.

Not alone again. Not the silence in the dark. Not the empty bed. Not the child’s adult wailing. Not the loneliness.

Not the hurt. Not the pain.

Just… nothingness.

From dust you were made, to dust you shall return.

So will it. So I shall.

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