No notices = bad temper

August 30, 2007

7.45AM: Still in bed. Mom calls. I grunt. She says, “You have to send me to work today.” Bear in mind, this is a woman who leaves for office at EIGHT. I grunt again.

7.55AM: Wake up, check email, go bath. Come out at 8.10. Check gaia. Get dressed. Disagree with mom as I get dressed on why no one told me I was sending her to work; would it have been that difficult to have left me at least a SMS?

8.25AM: Am putting on socks and what not. Getting things to go to the office. Mom calls on my handphone while I’m brushing my teeth.

8.30AM: Send mom to work. Annoy her by doing little things, such as not letting her listen to her favourite station, answering at her smartly when she makes comments and such.

8.45AM: Reach her office, mom gets ready to go down and turns her face up for a kiss. I say “Goodbye” and look ahead. She says, “Don’t you want to kiss me?” I reply, “No.” Mom leaves.

~~~~

I can be cruel, and when it comes to my parents, especially my mom. On one hand, I DO feel guilty for being so cruel to her, especially when my dad has been cruel enough to her, but on the other, I feel angry that I’m being used again. It’s like arguing with Heal all over again; you think only of your own matters that you forget that you have other responsibilities. Even if you do, you don’t make the effort to warn them beforehand of your plans, you simply assume they will do it because you’re not there.

As for my father? Still one of the biggest assholes I know, although there’s another asshole that’s quickly moving into second place. Seriously… what kind of a guy breaks up with a girl by telling her that he doesn’t see a future with her (which is reasonable enough) BUT then tell the girl that they can still kiss/hug like they use to when they’re together? Oh yeah, the same kind of hypocrite that says that it’s ok to be friends with a Muslim but not fall in love with them.

Like everyone else, I do have a dark side. I do have a cruel side. It’s just that I don’t like showing my claws very often because I don’t want to hurt people whom I owe a debt to. In this case though… perhaps it’s time to show the other side of the sunny Gemini everyone’s used to seeing.

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Lazy **shole

August 28, 2007

Yes, am referring to my dad. God knows where he is, but if the rice’s not cooked by the time he gets home he throws a fit. Yet when he’s home but heading out, and my mom and I are not around to do so, he tells me that we’ll (mom and I) should just cook the rice when we get home. AKA He’s not going to cook the rice even though he’s at home and he can do it.

“It only takes 10 minutes what. You and mom also still got to bath, cook some more.”

Then again, I’m talking about the same guy who will wait till one of his kids are at home before tossing everything into the sink and tell them to wash everything in the sink before he goes out.

And people wonder why I can’t stand my father. The hypocritical asshole.

Obedience

August 13, 2007

My parents will be giving me a grilling tonight, I believe, if I go home for dinner. For that reason, I’m having dinner outside.

The price of my obedience is very high.

Edit: I refuse to feel guilty over my mother’s “I love you” message when I told her that I was going to go out for dinner tonight with friends. I refuse to be mollified by someone who obviously loves the idea of an obedient daughter more than a daughter.

Broken Again

August 13, 2007

I give you everything that I am
I’m handin’ over everything that I’ve got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don’t ever wanna have to go & give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning & the tears are pouring
& I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we’re gonna do it, come on do it right

All I wanted was to know I’m safe
Don’t want to lose the love I’ve found
Remember when you said that you would change
Don’t let me down
It’s not fair how you are
I can’t be complete, can you give me more?

– Gwen Stefani, 4 in the Morning

Back at home, decided not to head on to the place I was going to because I might as well fight my parents on my own turf. Yes, it’s a long road ahead, and a lonely one too, because of what I’ve promised them, but I’ll be damned if I let them take over my life like this again. My parents, before Sunday, have thrown me many labels, but talking to Zero made me realise that I’m not as bad as they made me out to be; if anything, I’m better than most because at the end of the day, I’m still here, in my parents’ home writing this entry with tears running down my face.

We broke up today. The last two days have been a dream outside a dream. It’s given me the strength to fight, to defy them… though it’s always easier to say this behind a computer screen than in front of them, when my mind goes blank because I can’t think fast enough, and there’s the threat of violence by my father. My biggest worry, which may seem like a small thing to most people, is that my father might actually hire someone to beat up Raz. Some people may say that I’m overreacting, but my father is just that insane.

Someone pointed out to me that my mother may be frustrated and disappointed and angry at losing her ‘obedient’ daughter, who’s had enough of her crap. She may well be feeling all those emotions because she’s lost control over me, and by losing control over me, she’s lost control of her life, as before this, she was always controlled by everyone else. That would fit in with Mom, actually. She’s a very simple person to figure out at heart, and unlike my father, she’s honest.

Dad, on the other hand, is a hypocritical bastard. According to him, it’s ok to be friends with other people, but not ok to fall in love with them. The reason for not being with a Malay is so that your children will escape the stigma of being a Muslim in this paranoid country. What I don’t get is, if you want me to take care of you when you’re older, then why don’t you just say so? Why do you have to beat around the bush and try to mindfuck me? You think guilt will make me obey?

When I was leaving Penang, I had this moment of terror, where I wanted to take off my seatbelt (came back via plane, AirAsia’s airbuses are nice but that’s another story) rush out the door and run outside to look for Raz and tell him not to let me go. We’ve decided to break up for now, but it’s hard. This was coming, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. The tears are pouring down my face, and if it weren’t for the fact that I do have work tomorrow, I would stay home and weep till I couldn’t anymore. As it is, I’ll end this with just a single request:

To parents, those who are going to be parents, as well as those who will raise children

Please, please please, I beg you! Let them choose their own lives. Let them choose who they want to be with. Don’t, please, I beg of you, let them go through what Raz and I are going through now. You’ll earn your children’s undying hatred for one, and you’ll be proving to the world just how small-minded and bigoted you are if you do so.

Thank you.

Safe in Penang

August 11, 2007

Like the post said, I’ve reached here safely, though there was a bit of drama in the end with Tsubasa’s sis but it’s ok.

Parents have taken my word that I will break up with Raz so that they won’t come up to Penang. I’ve promised, so I shall… Still hate being treated like a kid though, and yet when they scream at me, I can’t quite find the words nor the courage to scream back at them. I’m taking things one day at a time though now… Definately will move out from home. Just need to find a place that won’t kill my money, that’s all.

Take care all.

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August 10, 2007

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Keep on smiling

August 8, 2007

I’m not giving him up. Not without a fight.

I’ve told my parents that I would break up with Raz if they objected, and my father has objected. Nothing, he said, would change his mind. Well, I’m going to try to change it.

Perhaps I’ll be going to hell for giving my parents grief. My father asked how I could even think of living with a man who doesn’t believe in the same God as I do. I should have told him: The same way you can do all the things you do and still have the gall to go to Church every Sunday. Apparently as long as you believe in God and follow a religion, you’re principled.

I’m not going to give Raz up without a fight. We shall see how this go. Anyone got a place for me to crash for a few days from Sunday? I’ll do my own laundry and stuff.

The person I’ll be hurting most is my mom and my grandmother. Sigh…

Does anyone wonder now why I hate religion, and especially those that try to impose RELIGIOUS rules on this country?

Edit: Oh, and a reason not to have a child:

Louis MacNeice- Prayer before Birth

I am not yet born; O hear me.
Let not the bloodsucking bat or the rat or the stoat or the
     club-footed ghoul come near me.

I am not yet born, console me.
I fear that the human race may with tall walls wall me,
     with strong drugs dope me, with wise lies lure me,
        on black racks rack me, in blood-baths roll me.

I am not yet born; provide me
With water to dandle me, grass to grow for me, trees to talk
     to me, sky to sing to me, birds and a white light
        in the back of my mind to guide me.

I am not yet born; forgive me
For the sins that in me the world shall commit, my words
     when they speak me, my thoughts when they think me,
        my treason engendered by traitors beyond me,
           my life when they murder by means of my
              hands, my death when they live me.

I am not yet born; rehearse me
In the parts I must play and the cues I must take when
     old men lecture me, bureaucrats hector me, mountains
        frown at me, lovers laugh at me, the white
            waves call me to folly and the desert calls
              me to doom and the beggar refuses
                 my gift and my children curse me.

I am not yet born; O hear me,
Let not the man who is beast or who thinks he is God
     come near me.

I am not yet born; O fill me
With strength against those who would freeze my
     humanity, would dragoon me into a lethal automaton,
        would make me a cog in a machine, a thing with
           one face, a thing, and against all those
              who would dissipate my entirety, would
                 blow me like thistledown hither and
                    thither or hither and thither
                       like water held in the
                          hands would spill me.

Let them not make me a stone and let them not spill me.
Otherwise kill me.

I am stupid

August 8, 2007

I should have held my tongue. But I couldn’t.

Parents know now what Raz is. And as expected… To them, the fact that I’m dating a Muslim means that they have failed as parents. Add my family history of Muslim uncles, and yes… I’ve been given a very long lecture. My parents want me to break off with him… and my mom wants me to find a Catholic boy… When they’ve already broken my heart twice? And another was a Christian?

I should have held my tongue, but I couldn’t, because my father was making assumptions about Raz that weren’t true. I should have been smarter, but I was stupid. The Penang trip falls into insignificance because of this, actually. He’s said that he will never give his approval. For the first time today, he told me about how hurt my grandparents were when my uncles married Muslims. He said that he was sad. My mom thinks I’m pregnant, but I’m having my period, so how can I be? -_-“

Summary:

Parents think that Raz’s parents will take their grandkids away (my children) if anything happens to Raz, and that they’ll never see their grandkids again

They think I’m stupid for being with a Muslim, and that moving away overseas is just a dream

If I did, I would be selfish for doing so, for leaving them behind

Apparently going abroad to further myself is ok, but leaving them behind and taking my kids with them is selfish

No religion = person useless, no principles

If I have kids with Raz, my father doesn’t ever want to see them (this I can live with). According to him, he’s more cruel than his parents… wouldn’t that make me, his daughter, even more cruel for putting him and my mom through this?

Conclusion:

I ish stupid and have no sense of timing.

One thing

August 7, 2007

To be annoyed about.

Told Mom my bus was on Friday to Penang. Her reply, “No. Told you you were banned from going to Penang.”

-_-” Right. I suppose that in her eyes, I must always be the child she used to be able to control. No longer. I told her I was still going.

I’m going to Penang this weekend whether they like it or not. My only worry is that when I get back, I might come home to find my clothes everywhere in the street and my computer locked away from me. Yes, I’m more worried about losing my computer than I am of my clothes.

Obituary

July 24, 2007

After long suffering, Uncle Carroll passed away on Monday morning. He was my father’s Uncle.

Rest in Peace, Uncle Carroll.