How True

August 30, 2007

From the Star:

He asks: “Isn’t love about loving a person for who they are, and what they mean in the other person’s life, and that love blurs the lines of race and religion? We were taught that we live in a multi-cultural, multi-ethnic country (and world), but how come when it comes to unions of the heart, it’s a whole different story altogether?”

“This is Malaysia,” I reply.



August 14, 2007

I should be sleeping now, but I can’t. Instead I’m playing Baldur’s Gate, but my heart’s not in it. I miss the strong arms around me. Miss the way he would hold my hands while I slept on his lap. The ease in which I fell asleep with him holding me…

I miss him. 😦

Broken Again

August 13, 2007

I give you everything that I am
I’m handin’ over everything that I’ve got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don’t ever wanna have to go & give you up
Stay up till Four In The Morning & the tears are pouring
& I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we’re gonna do it, come on do it right

All I wanted was to know I’m safe
Don’t want to lose the love I’ve found
Remember when you said that you would change
Don’t let me down
It’s not fair how you are
I can’t be complete, can you give me more?

– Gwen Stefani, 4 in the Morning

Back at home, decided not to head on to the place I was going to because I might as well fight my parents on my own turf. Yes, it’s a long road ahead, and a lonely one too, because of what I’ve promised them, but I’ll be damned if I let them take over my life like this again. My parents, before Sunday, have thrown me many labels, but talking to Zero made me realise that I’m not as bad as they made me out to be; if anything, I’m better than most because at the end of the day, I’m still here, in my parents’ home writing this entry with tears running down my face.

We broke up today. The last two days have been a dream outside a dream. It’s given me the strength to fight, to defy them… though it’s always easier to say this behind a computer screen than in front of them, when my mind goes blank because I can’t think fast enough, and there’s the threat of violence by my father. My biggest worry, which may seem like a small thing to most people, is that my father might actually hire someone to beat up Raz. Some people may say that I’m overreacting, but my father is just that insane.

Someone pointed out to me that my mother may be frustrated and disappointed and angry at losing her ‘obedient’ daughter, who’s had enough of her crap. She may well be feeling all those emotions because she’s lost control over me, and by losing control over me, she’s lost control of her life, as before this, she was always controlled by everyone else. That would fit in with Mom, actually. She’s a very simple person to figure out at heart, and unlike my father, she’s honest.

Dad, on the other hand, is a hypocritical bastard. According to him, it’s ok to be friends with other people, but not ok to fall in love with them. The reason for not being with a Malay is so that your children will escape the stigma of being a Muslim in this paranoid country. What I don’t get is, if you want me to take care of you when you’re older, then why don’t you just say so? Why do you have to beat around the bush and try to mindfuck me? You think guilt will make me obey?

When I was leaving Penang, I had this moment of terror, where I wanted to take off my seatbelt (came back via plane, AirAsia’s airbuses are nice but that’s another story) rush out the door and run outside to look for Raz and tell him not to let me go. We’ve decided to break up for now, but it’s hard. This was coming, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. The tears are pouring down my face, and if it weren’t for the fact that I do have work tomorrow, I would stay home and weep till I couldn’t anymore. As it is, I’ll end this with just a single request:

To parents, those who are going to be parents, as well as those who will raise children

Please, please please, I beg you! Let them choose their own lives. Let them choose who they want to be with. Don’t, please, I beg of you, let them go through what Raz and I are going through now. You’ll earn your children’s undying hatred for one, and you’ll be proving to the world just how small-minded and bigoted you are if you do so.

Thank you.

Husband Material?

July 17, 2007

Someone asked me today what I thought a person who’s husband material would be like? This would make a good blog post, I though, and so here I am.

Thing is, when you think about it carefully, it’s not just husband, it’s your partner. Calling them either husband or wife seems to invite one to make assumptions, which is something I want to avoid as I would definately fail at being the perfect wife I want my husband to be. And yes, I realise that that does not make that much sense. Pardon the grammar.

Ok, first things first.

Both spouses must be attuned to each other. One has to be able to gauge the other person’s mood without thinking, and thereby be able to understand that mood; what that person wants/doesn’t want, etc. They have to be able to offer support and counsel (the latter if needed) to their spouses. This is one of the three main ingredients a spouse must have!

I cannot begin to stress how important it is for a person to trust their spouse. Without trust, there is only lies, and when lies end, so does the dream. So does the love. So does the relationship. Second of the three ingredients.

Tenderness. Holding each other close during the night. Kissing each other when you think no one’s looking. Those are the physical aspects. Doing things for the other that you would never do, just to see the smile on their faces. Making or doing things just to get a certain reaction from them. Doing all you can to protect them. Willing to sacrifice things you have loved most of your life for them, because they asked you. Dropping everything you have so they can pursue their dreams. Pursuing YOUR own dreams at their urging. Realising that the two of you need time apart because you’re suffocating each other… and being perfectly fine with that.

And to top it all off:

Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don’t ever wanna have to go and give you up
Stay up till four in the mornin and the tears are pouring
And I want make it worth the fight
Gwen Stefani, 4 in the morning

Staying up till you come to a compromise about the things you love, because you’re no longer living for one person, you’re living for TWO. Or more if you have kids.

So yes, that’s spousal material for me. What’s yours?

PS: It goes without saying that if they loved you, they would also help you do the chores… or even make you get off your butt to do the chores. 😛

Public Announcement

July 14, 2007

Mom, Dad, yes Raz is my boyfriend. Yes he’s Chinese Malay. And yes. I love him.

/random message

Reposted from here.

In the wide world of dating, there are many options. Do you go for the flashy guy with the smooth smile, or the dude in the corner typing away on his laptop? The following are reasons why I think my fellow females should pay more attention to the quiet geeks and nerds, and less attention to the flashy boys.
Read the rest of this entry »

5 day weekends

May 2, 2007

Are love.

Sayang came down for the weekend, and we got to spend most of the days together (though with chaperones most of the time- bleh) I had a lot of fun with him. We also did quite a number of usual couple things that I rarely did with my previous boyfriends (which makes the memories all the more precious!) such as:

2. Play DoTA together (damnit I’m addicted to the game now)
3. Play Magic:The Gathering (*kisses koibito* Mrrow?)
4. Watch a movie together (Spiderman 3 has WAYYYYYY too much subtext towards the end)
5. Played badminton together
6. Cut our hair together (we look weird, but I love messing with his hair now :P)
7. Swimming!
8. Slept on his shoulder on the train… (and I never felt more loved :3)
9. Went to the library to read
10. I love you, Raz.

Be safe and take care, my love.


March 14, 2007

Anata and two of his friends were injured lightly in an accident yesterday, receiving some open wounds. They’re ok now, but keep them in your thoughts.

Anata, be safe dear.

Two paths diverged

March 13, 2007

Yes, based on the Robert Frost poem.

Two paths diverged in a bleak wood
One was full of flowers and life
But down this smooth road lay a rocky path
The promise of a beautiful summit far off in the distance

Two paths diverged in a bleak wood
One was alive but bland and twisting
Thorns lay ahead but then were emptiness
Unsure glimpses of colour peeked among the thorns

Two paths diverged in bleak wood
A fairy I saw, and his hand I took
“For now it’s rosy, but soon we’ll face troubles
If we hold each other’s hands, would you walk with me?”

Two paths diverged in a bleak wood
Not so bleak, choices made
Perhaps walking through this forest called Life
Isn’t so bleak anymore.

Copyright 2007-

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February 28, 2007

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